![]() When should you worry about a child failing to recover in a healthy way? Though it’s difficult to distinguish problem behavior from the expected process of grieving, there are some key things to look for. It helps children recover to keep their lives as normal as possible-to return to routines as soon as possible, to return to school and regular activities. This isn’t an understanding that’s achieved in one conversation it’s something that has to be worked on over time. We did our best to help, but it didn’t succeed. What we want them to understand is that the parent was ill. Being natural narcissists, kids tend to put themselves at the center of the narrative: If I had behaved better, if I had come home right after school, if I had tried harder to cheer Mom or Dad up, etc., this wouldn’t have happened. If the person who died has been mentally ill for a long time, a child might actually feel relieved at the death, and that, too, they need to be allowed to feel.Īfter a suicide, children need to know that they’re not to blame. They need to know that their feelings are acceptable: anger at a mother or a father who committed suicide is normal, and it doesn’t mean a betrayal of the love you have, or the terrible loss you may be feeling. ![]() What do children need most in the aftermath of a suicide? First, they require simple and honest answers to their questions. Not only are we treating the trauma of sudden parental loss, we are also trying to break the suicide cycle in families. This highlights the vital importance of providing support to children who are grieving. Researchers at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center found that children who are under 18 when their parents commit suicide are three times as likely as children with living parents to later commit suicide themselves. When a parent who has been depressed commits suicide, for instance, we want that understanding to be that they suffered from a mental illness, a disorder in their brain that caused their death, despite the efforts of those who loved them to save them. The biggest risk to a child’s emotional health is not being able, or encouraged, to express these feelings, and get an understanding of what happened that they can live with. Kids need to be able to remember the parent they’ve lost as a loving person despite their flaws.Įven more than an accidental death, a suicide generates horror, anger, shame, confusion, and guilt-all feelings that a child can experience as overwhelming. But to grieve in a healthy way, it’s necessary to think about the person you’ve lost, and allow yourself to feel sadness and pain. So they try to block them out, by not talking or thinking about the person they’ve lost, who they may feel has betrayed them, or rejected them. In the case of a suicide, children may have feelings toward or about their parent that they feel are unacceptable, that they want to deny. When a death is shocking and disturbing it generates frightening thoughts, images, and feelings a child may want desperately to avoid. The most important thing to remember is that the best way to avoid a negative, long-lasting reaction is to be honest and loving and for the family to go on supporting each other. They may avoid things that remind them of the person who died or have intrusive thoughts about the suicide. Their sleeping and eating habits may change. Signs that a kid is not recovering in a healthy way include sadness and withdrawal from normal activities that last for so long they start to cause problems in their daily life. Getting back into a normal routine also helps reassure kids. That everyone did their best to help, but it didn’t succeed. They should understand that their parent was ill. They need to know that all their feelings are okay and normal. To process their feelings in a healthy way, kids need honest answers to their questions. The biggest risk to a child after a suicide is not being encouraged to express their feelings and get to an understanding of the death that they can live with. They also need to remember that their parent loved them. But healthy grieving means they need to think about the parent and let themselves feel sad. They may feel anger, confusion, guilt and rejection. When a parent commits suicide, the child may have scary or painful feelings. ![]() When a parent dies by suicide, kids experience what’s called “traumatic grieving.” How kids are supported while dealing with this has a big effect on how they recover.
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